A Silent Cacophony – Chapter Sixteen (Nicolai.)

        “Despite my original fear of all things gay, I was . . . having fun. I was actually enjoying moving freely about upon the obsidian dance floor. Even while I was surrounded by what seemed to be a sea of half dressed men, my fear of social situations seemed to be entirely obsolete amongst the dancing crowd. For it was obvious that they simply didn’t . . . care.

         They didn’t care that I wasn’t dressed like some throwback from the hood. They weren’t standing by, watching with malicious eyes – waiting for me to open my mouth – ready to bombard me with a host of brutal insults. They didn’t care that I was encroaching upon their territory. They didn’t care that my eyes were straying from the ground – surveying this new world.

       Because I was one of them.

        Here with these people, my sexuality wasn’t a freakish anomaly, but commonplace; all but expected. And for the first time in a long time, I was no longer a misfit.”

Just Let Me.

Oh Can’t you see? 

I want you to hate me 

I’d rather your’ screams 

than these hopeless dreams 

 

I wish you’d knock me down 

just let me drown 

hold my head underwater 

don’t you dare falter 

 

Why can’t you leave me be?  

stop tryin’ to save me 

your’ way too late 

just accept my fate 

 

Don’t give the stars any brilliance 

in your’ defiance 

Don’t you dare show me life 

Then leave me in strife 

 

Don’t hold me tight 

Long into the night 

Then leave me mourning 

When you leave in the morning 

 

Why can’t you leave me be?  

stop tryin’ to save me 

your’ way too late 

just accept my fate 

 

So let me die 

So let me die 

just say goodbye 

just let me die 

 

So here’s the knife 

just end my life 

you steal my breath 

but won’t give me death 

 

Just let me die 

Just let me die 

 

Why can’t you leave me be?  

stop tryin’ to save me 

your’ way too late 

just accept my fate 

 

So let me die 

So let me die 

just say goodbye 

just let me die 

 

Why can’t you leave me be?  

stop tryin’ to save me 

your’ way too late 

just accept my fate  

 

So Just Let Me Die 

Just Let Me Die 

Let Me Die…

 

The End – Lyrics.

Today they told me I’m not gonna last

Won’t matter how I run, far or fast.

Won’t matter how hard I fight

It’ll drag me into the night

Cos what’s making me ill

Is out there to hunt and to kill

 

I guess it’s too late

To fight my fate

I guess it’s time to make that final fold

Cos my stories been finished and told  

 

Doesn’t matter if I toss and I turn

I can always feel that constant burn

Like a million thorns in my side

Pain is a master I must abide

He doesn’t care how hard I cry

He’s just waiting for me to die

 

I guess it’s too late

To fight my fate

I guess it’s time to make that final fold

Cos my stories been finished and told   

 

Like a fallen angel I lay there

So broken that I don’t even care

I can’t even find my voice to sing

Can’t find the joy that music used to bring

But then I remember how lucky I’ve been

All of the love and joy that I’d seen

 

And I re-read the story of my life

I skip the pages that hold all the pain and the strife

And on the final page

As much as I can gage

There’s nothing to make me sad

And nothing to make me mad

 

I guess it’s too late

To fight my fate

I guess it’s time to make that final fold

Cos my stories been finished and told  

Down and Down and Down.

As we fall, all we can tell ourselves is: “I will be fine. Everything will sort itself out”. It becomes a sort of mantra. We say it over and over, just desperately trying to convince ourselves that it is the truth and not some fruitless repetition of false words. When everything seems to be crumbling down around you and all that you are left with is the sensation of falling and falling and falling – you realize that there is no such thing as rock bottom.

People say that once you hit the bottom, there is nowhere left to go except for up, to reach new heights. Oh what a terrible falsehood. Those words aren’t a comfort when you realize them for what they are; a stealthy entrapment – and a cruel one at that. Because life is like a black hole, a bottomless pit that is full of nothingness – or empty if you’re the pessimistic ‘glass half empty,’ kind of person. But empty or full, you are still going to fall.

Of course there are good times – points of brilliant light that flash past like shooting stars – but in the end all that you are left with is the emptiness.

We might even find others to cling to as we free fall – those who fill our minds and our hearts with oaths of steadfast companionship and dependable sources of warmth. But in the end, we face the hard times so very alone. Because they can hug us and we can lose ourselves in that most passionate embrace of release, but we are the only ones to feel what our own heart does and think the thoughts that pass unheeded through our tortured minds.

Alone – in death and through the hopeless times, through the joy and the heartbreak, and then finally in death – we will forever be alone. That is the only truth.   Our aloneness is not only guaranteed but also comforting. For when all you can depend on is yourself, you become the only one who can disappoint yourself, the only person in the entire world who can break you.

So yes, being alone is the easiest way to plummet through life.

And those shooting stars that draw the eye as you fall and fall – brilliant points of warmth and light that offer comfort? Simply a cruel trick of the light, they’re not really there.

It’s impossible for there to be light in an endless midnight.

But like all true die hard fans of Harry Potter, Eragon and Lord of the Rings, you thrive on the impossible.